A few years ago I took a class called the Art & Practice of Leadership (http://ksgexecprogram.harvard.edu/Programs/apl/overview.aspx). As a part of that class we did an exercise designed to illuminate our competing commitments that cause us to not do the things that we really want to do. To make a long story a bit shorter, the underlying assumption that my immunity map (Immunity to Change, Robert Kegan 2009 - http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_7?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=immunity+to+change&sprefix=immunit%2Caps%2C241) uncovered was the belief that that if I am out of control I will die. I know it sounds a bit melodramatic but in fact many…maybe most…of my inactions could be traced back to this underlying, ever-present, deeply-held belief.

According to the leaders of the class, the only way to overcome or renovate such an assumption is to design an experiment that truly tests the validity of the belief. For mine, that meant that I had to design an experiment where death was truly possible…but not imminent! I pondered what such an experiment might look like for quite awhile, for months actually.

Finally, it hit me. Skiing! At the time, it had been 22 years since my last skiing attempt. And it was not pretty. The most vivid memory I have of the last time I skied, at fifteen, is wiping out so fantastically that my poles went flying, my skis came off…my boots came off…the linings of my boots came off…You get the picture. I think the woman who came down the hill behind me really expected to find me dead!

So in March of 2010, for the first time in 22 years, I went skiing. For some reason I found myself compelled almost, to test the assumption that if I am out of control I will die. I took lessons. I limped around. I loved it! And I have skied every season since then.

Here is what I am beginning to understand as I reflect back on the success…or learnings…from my experiment. Every time I take a lesson they emphasize that you need to lean on the outside edge of your ski as you go into a turn in order to be in control of the turn. The crazy thing about that, is that in that moment that I lean on the outside edge everything in my body and mind screams, “You idiot! Why would you do that? You are leaning away from the hill!” And in in that moment it feels like the absence of control. Honestly, it still occurs to me that death is a very real possibilityJ

But it is that very act of leaning onto the outside edge that allows me control and freedom all at once. I am beginning to think that leaning into the fear and doing what feels fundamentally counter-intuitive to my instincts, is in fact the thing which allows for courage and mastery and joy even!

I am reflecting on skiing but truly it’s life isn’t it? I lean into fear, willfully choosing the moment of feeling out of control, in the service of living with courage and steadiness and joy. Ah…maybe that is the essence of vulnerability. Leaning into that which terrifies me only to find so much abundance on the other side. I am beginning to believe that life has an outside edge as well…

So…I keep taking lessons and I keep skiing. And I am finding joy instead of fear. I am finding courage instead of caution. But even now there is that moment where I am certain that leaning on the outside edge is utter folly. But I lean into what I know to be true that control is merely a convincing illusion unless I lean on the outside edge. And on the hill, and even in the rest of my life, I find myself laughing outloud at pure beauty and joy of it all. And the fruit of the experiment is spilling over. It is coloring my beliefs of what it means for me to exercise leadership in the service of something worthwhile. It is seeping into my most treasured relationships…

So I persist in leaning on the outside edge. And ironically, I am wiping out less often…and I am even beginning to believe that wiping out won’t kill me and so I lean…