I turned 41 this week so I find myself in a bit more reflective mood than usual. I think it’s my first birthday in three or four years where I haven’t met with my therapist…on my birthday. I’d say my 40s continue to look hopeful!

I received the following email a few weeks ago from the university where I am “getting” my Ph.D.

“Janet, all of your deficiencies have been met and have been removed from your account.”

Most of you who read this know that I’ve been working on my Ph.D. for 8.5 years now. And until a few weeks ago I still had official deficiencies from back when I was accepted into the program. I have to admit that my first thought upon receiving this was, “I definitely need to frame this!”

Momentary celebration aside, I’ve found myself thinking about what it really means to “meet my deficiencies.” What does it mean to intimately know those places of weakness and not-yet-reached-maturity parts of my character and capacity?

I have loved being 40. Now, I’m not just saying that. I intentionally celebrated the year leading up to my 40th birthday and while it was good, if I’m honest, it was an act of discipline and maybe even pure stubbornness.

But being 40…now that has been joy. Not the kind of joy that means everything is easy and picture-perfect. My brother Steve’s cancer has come back…twice…this year - which epitomizes the sort of joy that does not equal easy.

Here are a few of the things that have been joy over the last twelve months…not a complete list – or in any particular order.

Daniel & Lillian – getting to watch these amazing little ones start becoming who they were created to be. They are funny and smart and clever and strong-willed. They = joy

A spontaneous Disney World weekend with my brothers, my sister, the kids and my mom (we missed my dad and brother-in-law!). I am not the biggest Disney fan but I love my siblings and would think they are three of the world’s best even if they weren’t related to me. Time with them = joy.

Running the Maine Marathon Relay with my mom, brother Mark, sister Liz, raising $6000+ for Steve and for LIVESTRONG = joy.

Here’s the thing. I think I am loving 40 because over these last years I’ve met my deficiencies, we’ve become intimately acquainted and danced intricate steps and I am beginning to understand that they are part of what makes me authentic and capable of vulnerability.

Those tender spots in me that ache and feel pain are the same that make me capable of both loving play time with my siblings at Disney World and bursting into tears at unexpected moments when I think of what my brother Steve is going to go through…again. These sorts of deficiencies make me more, not less. Meeting them, knowing them, makes me capable of being both vulnerable and strong. Having met my deficiencies, I think I might know better how to love.

For all of these reasons and likely more I have yet to apprehend, I am finding this to be a decade of joy so far…in the midst of tears and laughter and kids and cancer. I’m reminded of Charles Handy’s assessment that “Being comfortable in one’s skin is the beginning of strength.” Bring it on I say - deficiencies and all! Here’s to 41!