This season seems to demand a record. So here it goes.

On May 12th, 2011 my 32 year old brother Steve was diagnosed with metastatic colorectal cancer - with a 4.5 cm tumor on his left lung. My brother is an exceptional man who is an amazing 5th grade teacher, a brilliant Ph.D. student and one of the kindest, most authentic people I know. He was first diagnosed with colorectal cancer 3+ years ago and it wasn't supposed to come back. When the diagnosis was confirmed I was overwhelmed with a desire to do something, to fix it.

I am the oldest child of four kids, well we were kids once. Now we're grown but the innate desire in me to fix and take care of things hasn't waned in adulthood. But I was an economics major with, let's face it, little hope of curing cancer at this point! So what did I do? I called my brother, texted him daily, checked in - likely making him crazy! He wants things to be normal and I wasn't acting normally:-)

I found a book by Walter Wangerin called Letters from the Land of Cancer. They are actual letters he wrote while going through treatment for lung cancer. I came across the following passage from one of his letters...

"It is often said that once one confronts an imminent death, he/she changes, thereafter striving to experience each day to the fullest. Every moment - so goes the conventional talk - must become a lifetime. Intense awareness, a drilling focus on things present, a hasty cramming of sensations tries to make up for all of the past years of dumb, numb neglect. Why had they spent all those previous years rushing into tomorrow? It is because of the sudden brevity of the rest of their lives that they grow greedy for the Now...These final days have become their lifetimes whole.

Nor do I doubt that this talk might be a generalized description of another's response to a terminal illness.

But in my case it seems much simpler. I find that I just pay attention.

However long or short my personal journey hereafter (a year, years, or half a year) time present remains for me what it always was before: an opportunity to pay attention. Time doesn't become more intense. Time is...time. I am now. It is enough." (Letters from the Land of Cancer, Walter Wangerin)

I was stopped by this passage. Because even as I read, I was trying to cram everything into the moments of Now that I had failed to do before. I realized that while I so wish my brother Steve didn't have cancer the lesson for me isn't merely a call to make up for lost time (by making him crazy with my hovering!). It is a call to pay attention. Pay attention to the things that really matter. Pay attention to the people who I love and who love me. Pay attention to what is subtle and not so easily seen. Pay attention...

So this is part of my experiment in paying attention, in making meaning of the journey that is now.